Peanut Butter Jelly Sandwiches and Vulnerability

Posted: February 28, 2023

Relationships involve making requests and being vulnerable with our partner about those requests. It is how trust is built and emotional connections are formed. I often hear couples saying, well I shouldn’t have to ask my partner for something, they should just know by now. There’s a term for that behavior in relationships, psychologists refer to it as a cognitive distortion of mindreading. An example of this is when a person prepares a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for themselves and sits next to their partner to eat it. The first question from their partner may be, “Where’s my sandwich?” And what does the other partner say in response? “How was I supposed to know you wanted a sandwich?” Then comes the pith: “You should have just known.”

Oftentimes in relationships may seem easier and less risky to not ask for what we want. We would rather have the other person try to read our minds and guess what we want. And for some, when their partner guesses incorrectly, they put the other person on trial for not responding correctly. However, that is where bitterness, resent, and contempt can creep in.

Unfortunately, our partner can’t read our minds, nor do they have the ability to automatically know what you want, need or desire every moment of the day. However, many hesitate sharing what they need or desire because they fear rejection. This may even occur on an unconscious level. This might look like a person avoiding sharing their requests so they will not be turned down. And if a person is turned down and has their requests turned down enough times, over time they might begin to question their partner’s love for them and their partner’s commitment to them. But what if your partner really does care about your needs, but may not be able to read your mind as to what those might be on any given occasion? Chances are they care. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be in a relationship with you. However, if they are still in a relationship with you and still don’t care about your needs, wants, and desires, then it may be worth doing some exploring to see if there is any apathy, contempt, bitterness, resentment or any other issues plaguing the relationship.
The idea some believe, unknowingly, is that love and strong relationships should not involve work or much effort. In some cases, it’s actually the opposite. Strong couples and healthy relationships are constantly putting in effort to become better. One way to do this is to clearly express your requests and allow your partner to love you in the way in which you most need, want, or desire.