Reasons Why Our Love Language Doesn’t Matter as Much We Think it Does

In recent years there has been a growing trend of referring to a person’s romantic relationship style in terms of a love language. Some have described the idea as consisting of five main languages: physical touch, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and words of affirmation. As helpful as it might seem to think of your or your partner’s love language, it actually might be more harmful and limiting than we realize. The idea of one’s love language is the way in which they receive love best, most people have one, or two at the most. But what if this idea is all wrong? Relationships and people are complex and although it might be helpful to describe people and ourselves in neat categories, there’s more to it than that. If a person made their partner a steak dinner for three meals a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year the person receiving the steak dinner (love language) may want something else at times, even though they really enjoy it.

This is where the idea of a partner’s wants, needs, and desires is more important than a love language. A specific love language may be helpful in certain circumstances or situations, but not every situation. And that’s what many want and are looking for, a  one-size-fits-all approach to loving their partner, thinking I just have to do this one thing that they really like, and then they’ll be okay. Many of us want our partner to have only one love language, so we are only responsible for one proper and helpful response in the relationship. But different occasions may require different responses and multiple love languages. Which means, we have to be constantly communicating with our partner and creating a safe space for them to express their needs, wants and desires. No, there’s not just one way to love our partner and no, it’s not the same for every occasion.

For example, someone might say that their love language is affirming words, but come holiday season and they will be expecting more than just a list of compliments. Someone may enjoy quality time, but if they are expecting company, preparing and cleaning their home will matter so much more than snuggling up on the couch. Finding one’s love language may be a helpful way to start, but it is not limited to the five succinct categories. Your partner may have a lot of love languages overall and several that they may need to be poured into at one time, and that’s okay. Which goes back to the main point – every situation is different and may require a different approach as a way to best love your partner.